So you’re supposed to live your life from a “core of peace”, right?

That sounds good doesn’t it? There are no epic parenting fails in the core of peace.

Well, this morning I was living life from a big fat core of chaos.

It was time for my daughters’ school camping trip. All the kids love it and get super giddy as the day approaches. They have so much sleepless fun that when they return the next day, the teachers look like zombies. They deserve sainthood. Or at the very least a full spa treatment.

The trip is an exciting but stressful time for my girls, and that’s why I wanted to send them off on a calm, positive note.

Instead, I plowed through the house getting increasingly irritated, emanating waves of stress so strong they were probably visible. I could feel my energy whipping around and building on itself. My body tightened and my breathing got quicker and shallower. My brain refused to perform simple tasks I’m usually great at, like checking items off a list as I organize and pack them efficiently.

L took one look at me and asked why I was so angry and about to cry.

When M couldn’t find the bug spray because she had hidden it in her room, I lashed out as if hiding bug spray represented a character flaw that would get her booted from a college admissions interview.

In fairness to myself, I admit I was extra nervous because of the weather. 1000’s of people’s lives were just majorly messed with in Oklahoma’s tornadoes, and we’d been getting strong storms locally for the past couple of days.

Even if you don’t live with anxiety, it’s tough not to be nervous about sending your kids into the woods with 80% chance of severe t-storms, possible hail, and 60mph winds.

But I know better.

I know that unless I’m being chased by a lion or some kind of commonly occurring danger like that, things will go infinitely smoother if I’m calm and centered, that is, you got it – living from a core of peace.

I wanted to be a grounding presence for my girls to start their day out right. So where did I go wrong? How could I have avoided this parenting fail? One answer lies in Intention, the first concept in i.l.u. parenting.

 

Here’s how you can use Intention to avoid parenting fails

Intention for your kids over time

It’s critical to spend time thinking about your intentions for your relationship with your kids over time. Looking at the big picture, what values do you want to pass along? What talents and strengths do they currently have that you want to make sure you continue to nurture? Where are some areas where they’re challenged and might need some extra help? How do you want to feel in your relationship with them?

It may seem strange to think about your parenting in this way, but think about a business without a mission, goals, or operating procedures. Nobody knows what they’re working toward, WHY they’re working toward it, or how to achieve success.

Parenting isn’t a business, but it needs the same elements in order to achieve success. And just as a business changes, so do you and your kids as life dishes out its normal ups and downs. To adapt, you need to think about your intentions on a regular basis.  

Had I thought about my own intentions, I would have remembered that staying calm and not freaking out is important to me, and something I was working on. I could usually avoid it by preparing for stressful situations ahead of time.

This means I would’ve spent a few minutes of time the night before thinking about what I wanted the morning to be like. I would’ve gathered & packed most of the items needed for the trip and planned breakfast to make sure the girls would hike on a full stomach. I also would’ve gotten up early so I didn’t feel rushed and stressed about getting there on time.

Intention in every interaction

Intention is also critical in the short-term, in every interaction you have with your kids.

It’s always helpful to keep the intention of being fully present in the moment instead of having your thoughts in the past or in some imaginary future.

When you interact with your kids, focus on what’s in front of you, in this very moment.

Put down your phone, iPad, computer, and all other distractions and give your child your full attention.

Even when your kids are whining, yelling, or melting down, work on staying calm by breathing slowly and deeply. Ask yourself “What is my intention for this interaction?” The second question should be “What is needed in this moment to achieve that intention?”

If you feel yourself getting fired up anyway, get out of there and take a break. This is a great way to show your kids how to handle getting upset. I try to use words like “Mama is getting really irritated, and I need some time by myself to calm down. I’ll come back in a little bit and we can deal with this.”

(Then I rush off into the bathroom and bite my hand to keep from screaming.)

Your child will get the message that if she’s upset or mad, it’s ok for her to take a break to chill out and regroup.

Had I focused on my intention of being present, I would’ve felt my body tighten and my energy start to rise. I would’ve tried to breathe deeply and slowly. I would’ve asked myself what I wanted out of this situation and realized that to achieve that, I needed to relax and slow down. When I realized the bug spray disappeared into the black hole of M’s bedroom, instead of exploding I would have taken a time-out for myself.

Keeping intention in mind and staying present would have produced a very different result this morning, and I did up feeling like crap for a while. I regretted how I acted.

But I got over that as quickly as I could and tried to figure out what I could do differently next time.

Intention is a powerful tool to avoid parenting fails!  Try it!

Now I want to hear from you!

How has Intention worked for you in your parenting? 
What could you do differently going forward?

Would you like to learn how to stay calm in heated moments?
Check out this free resource!