i.l.u. parenting

Bond more, battle less with your daughter

Archives for jess

Categories: Blog

How a “Bad Mom” Became a Parenting Coach

If someone told me the day before my first daughter’s birth that I’d end up as a parenting coach, I probably would’ve beamed and felt great.

I had visions of breastfeeding my warm, happy baby (who was of course swaddled in cute, sweet-smelling blankets). I’d lay her lovingly in her crib for her 7-hour uninterrupted sleep. My husband and I would snuggle as he adoringly thanked me for bearing this perfect child.

If someone told me the day after my first daughter was born I’d end up as a parenting coach, once I came out of my morphine-induced haze I probably would’ve alternated between loud wailing and hysterical laughter.

I managed to avoid my calling for quite some time, despite my mind and body screaming loudly that something had to change in my insane life.

Through severe post-partum depression, a nightmare of a time parenting my toddlers, 3 moves, and lots of struggle, I went from an air-traffic systems engineer, to a weight-loss coach, to coaching my fellow engineers.

And during it all, I felt like a really bad mom.

All the purpose-finding activities out there ask you “What would you happily do for hours on end if you could choose any activity?”

I was spending hours researching, learning, attending workshops and trying to heal myself so I could be the best parent I could be. I was also downsizing, organizing, and making my home an oasis. I found myself in conversations with other parents, asking them questions to get them thinking about things differently. I loved giving them support and compassion, and passing on knowledge and insights I’d gained through my own experiences.

It occurred to me that I could coach others around this, but I immediately thought “How can I coach other parents while I am having so many struggles of my own?”

Then it hit me – if I had no parenting troubles of my own, if I wasn’t struggling emotionally myself, how could I possibly help others in that situation?

If everything was shiny and rosy for me, how could I empathize and provide useful, relatable information and support?

I’m on this crazy parenting train with everyone else. And I’m so grateful I can give help and support to my fellow passengers while continuing to learn and grow myself.

Would you like to learn more about how I healed my parenting?
Check out this free resource!

Categories: Blog

The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Got, Like EVER

As everyone clapped, I looked at the schedule.

Up next was Lianne Raymond’s talk “Love with Wild Abandon”. I silently groaned. I think I might’ve even thrown an eye roll. As a jet-lagged introvert in a room full of extroverts, I wasn’t feeling too loving at the moment. And I didn’t have any clue what loving with wild abandon could possibly mean.

When Lianne took the stage, I instantly felt a huge shift in my body. She was so….soothing. This woman emanated love and I wanted to run up and hug her. This was super alarming since I’m not a huggy, chirpy type of person (at least until I reaaaaally get to know someone).

She took us back to when she was a little girl and felt loved by her father always, no matter what. She never felt there were any conditions on his love. She knew she could be “good” or “bad” and there was no doubt he’d still love her.

In fact, exactly what she said was
“I never worried that who I was or what I did would remove me from his love.”

I started sobbing, because I knew my girls couldn’t possibly feel that way. I did withhold my love. Not in an outward, “I don’t love you” kind of way. But in a passive-aggressive, I’ll turn my back on you kind of way. Sometimes, if my daughters didn’t act how I wanted them to act or be how I wanted them to be, I would unconsciously withhold my love.

I was giving them the message that they had to be a certain way in order to earn my love.

As Lianne said, I was using love as a tool to manipulate them. If you please me, I give you my love. If you don’t, I remove it.

I decided right then that I never wanted my daughters to feel that way again. Like, EVER.

Does that mean that I let them run around and trash the house like crazy people? Throw noodles at people in restaurants? Eat fruit loops and pickles for dinner? Do whatever the hell they want?

Of course not.

But it does mean that when they forget to take their shoes off for the 428th time and get mud all over the floor, I don’t make them feel like they just threw a puppy against a wall. It means that while I tell them their behavior is unacceptable, I never tell them they themselves are bad. It means that I try to let them have their emotional reactions, even the highly annoying ones, without lecturing them, talking them out of it, or attempting to “fix” it.

And most importantly, I reassure them. A lot.  

I tell them there is nothing they could ever say or do that could make me stop loving them. 

They never tire of hearing it (and they love to thrown down challenges like “even if I put dog poop under your pillow?” or “even if I rubbed your toothbrush on my butt?”)

How do you want your child to feel?

Do you want her to expend energy worrying about whether or not she’s earning your love, wondering if what she’s doing is acceptable?  Or do you want her to feel loved, safe, and secure so she can go out into the world to learn, play, and explore, knowing she can count on you to be there when she gets scared or has friend drama or make mistakes?

I want my daughters to feel like Lianne. So, as always, I’m never going to stop trying.

Like, EVER. (sorry, I cannot get that damn Taylor Swift song out of my head!)

This experience with Lianne is when I realized Unconditional Love was the 3rd and most fundamental element in iLu Parenting, a simple but comprehensive set of tools and resources I developed to give you exactly what you need to parent with calm confidence. No more frustration, uncertainty or guilt!

In the comments below, let me know…

  • Do you find yourself withholding your love?
  • What changes can you make to ensure that your kids always know you love them unconditionally?

Would you like to learn more about how I healed my parenting?
Check out this free resource!

Categories: Fundamentals

Creative Grief Experience: “Wholehearted Rocks”

Creative Grief Experience: Wholehearted Rocks

This creative grief experience from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio can help you get clearer about what wholehearted living after loss means for you – who you want to be, how you want to feel, and what you want to create after loss.

I experienced “Wholehearted Rocks” during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio and wrote about it to serve as an example of the power of creativity in learning to live wholeheartedly again after loss. Reading the instructions first will help you understand my description.

Wholehearted Rocks Instructions

Think of your life as a glass jar and your grief as water that fills the jar. At first, grief can feel like the jar is filled right up to the top; it feels like your grief is everything.

Most traditional grief counseling takes the approach of “we need to figure out how to get rid of the water/ pour it out of the glass” so that the grief is vented/ released and then you’ll feel better.

What if, rather than focusing on trying to get rid of the grief, you gradually begin focusing more on what you want to add to your life, now that you’ve experienced this loss?

IMG_0835FullJarPicture that you can do this by adding objects, for example rocks, to the jar of water.

Each rock represents an aspect of what it means to you to live wholeheartedly after loss. Each rock represents a feeling or experience that you want to welcome more into your life.

The water represents the grief.

When you start adding rocks to the glass of water, the water begins to be displaced.

You’re not trying to completely remove the water (grief), but at some point it begins to get displaced by the rocks (wholehearted feelings, experiences and practices). We have no expectation or pursuit of a “water-free” (completely grief-free) situation in our future – the water will always still flow a little between the rocks and that’s fine, because it’s our story.

But gradually the water (grief) becomes less the foreground and focus of your life and more a part of the “connective tissue” that flows between other things that become important to you and which you’re nurturing.

7Water11. To experience this creative tool, choose a container and fill it with water.

2. You may use any small objects that interest you and represent what you want to bring more of into your life. You may alter or decorate the objects in any way you like. For example, if you decide to use rocks as in the description above, you could choose to paint each rock.

3. At a pace that feels right to you, place your painted rocks or other objects in the jar of water. Take time to reflect as you add each object that symbolizes something you want more of in your life. Notice how, with the addition of each rock, some of the water (grief) gets displaced.

4. As time goes on, occasionally review your rocks… are you making choices that honor those rocks? For example, if you said you wanted more connection in your life, are you calling up a friend or accepting social invitations?

You can do this exercise gently, at your own pace, as a regular practice, (for example, let yourself focus on just one rock each week or even just one rock each month), or all at once as a single experience.

* Reprinted with permission from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio LLC. www.griefcoachingcertification.com

My Experience with Wholehearted Rocks

I did this creative exercise in September 2012 during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio.
 
Here is a write-up of my experience.
 

7Water1I chose a pink glass container because I loved its color, shape, and how it looked as the light filtered through it.

I filled the container as far as I could without overflowing.

The swollen nature of the water at the top was beautiful.

It was a perfect visual representation of the strain I felt on my emotions as if they were about to spill over.
 
  

I felt rage at the time that I did this exercise; I was really struggling. I wrote about my rage in a stream of consciousness manner, disregarding spelling, grammar, and sentence structure. I didn’t even care if it made sense.

I printed it out, tore it into pieces and put it in the water. I liked the idea that if I didn’t fight it but instead allowed it, my grief (the water) would cause the paper (my rage) to disintegrate slowly and become soft.

IMG_0824PaperIMG_0825PaperInVase

I chose several special objects that represented what I wanted more of in my life:

1HeartRock– Love: (large heart shaped rock, not perfectly heart shaped because love is not a fairy tale; it sometimes has sharp edges) I want to allow more love in my life even though loving opens me up to being hurt.

– Family: (a handful of “gems”, one for each family member). I want to bond closer with my family. I tend to shut them out and withdraw into myself, hiding my grief.

– Trust: (a heavy, smooth, black rock) I want to trust that I do not need to force anything, that my strong emotions will not take me over, that all will unfold as it should without me trying to control it.

– Authenticity: (my “J” shaped rock) I always want to show up as myself. I want to stop hiding who I really am. I want to come out of shame.

3PotteryFlowers– Confidence, Courage, and Vulnerability: I chose 3 pottery flowers I had made after breaking up with my boyfriend of 10 years. At that time, I was exploring my creativity for the first time in a long while because it had gone dormant. I had to find my confidence and have the courage to experiment. As I was learning more about myself, I had to be vulnerable enough to show my new self to those who were used to me as a certain person and wanted me to remain that person. Now, at the time of this exercise, I find myself once again needing the confidence, courage, and vulnerability to put myself out there and extend my own authentic offering without fear or care about what happens.

– Self-compassion: (beautiful flowers) I want to love myself and treat myself kindly, despite how incredibly hard that can be sometimes.

– Patience: (a perfectly round, smooth rock) I want the patience to take the time I need to heal my emotional wounds, to allow things to unfold at the rate they will. I want the patience to know that even when it seems nothing is happening, that’s ok because sometimes nothing is what needs to happen. Everything is movement if we allow it. It’s when we force it forward or fight against it that we disrupt the natural unfolding.

– Intuition (translucent marble): I want to trust myself and my decisions and avoid overthinking things. I want to spend more time in my body and in a wordlessness state, relying on my innate knowing and trusting it.

– Joy: (a rock with “Love” written on it given to me by my daughter Maia) I want to experience joy and model joy for my daughters, but joy makes me uncomfortable. I mourn over times that I had an opportunity to share joy with my daughters and it turned into something sad. I want the courage to allow more joy in my life.

– Release (feather): I want to give myself what I know I need for release, which includes running, writing, creative expression, a beautiful home environment, nature, stretching, warmth, connection, intimacy, and time alone.

6Seahorse– Generosity: I chose a glass seahorse that I bought for my daughter. I am often somewhat stingy when it comes to buying things for my daughters because I have this thought that I don’t want them to expect things or take things for granted or not be appreciative of what they have. This parallels with an attitude that I used to have about parenting. I viewed (unconsciously) my role as their parent to tell them how to be “good”, how to do the “right” thing. I was focused on the negatives instead of the positives.

Now I want to do it differently:
o Instead of telling them not to be selfish, model generosity
o Instead of telling them not to be irresponsible, model taking care
o Instead of telling them not to fight with each other, model patience & cooperation
o Instead of telling them not to be unappreciative, model gratitude
o Instead of telling them not to freak out, allow them their emotions and allow myself mine while giving them reassurance that they are not the cause

– Gratitude: I learned that we cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously, so I turn often to gratitude to quiet my anxiety.

– Acceptance & Mindfulness: I am a perfectionist and can be obsessive and too focused on the details, steps and order of things instead of the actual meaning. I tend to miss the forest for the trees. I actively work on being present in the experience and knowing that not only is it ok that it is not happening exactly as I envisioned, but that it will happen exactly as it should and if I stay aware and present, I will always receive exactly what I am intended to receive and it will always be beautiful.

IMG_0835FullJarAt the time I experienced this exercise, I was able to clarify what I wanted and needed more of in order to move towards wholehearted living. I have since added many of these qualities to my life, causing my grief to become less the focus and more of a connecting part of my story.

You can use this exercise anytime you wish to take a look at your life and discover what you can add for more wholehearted living. You don’t necessarily need to be grieving a specific loss.

This is just one of many creative grief exercises I learned in my training and certification with The Creative Grief Studio. I’d love to share others with you. Sign up for a free, 30-minute consultation if you’re interested.

Categories: Real Mom Cleanse

What Business School Taught Me About Parenting

What Business School Taught Me About Parenting

CaptivaLowerSaturationWhile participating in Marie Forleo’s “B-school”, an 8-week program that teaches women (and a few men) how to structure, create, and grow their online business, over and over again I saw parallels between running a business and being a parent.

This was surprising at first, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense.

Isolation

B-school is an online program with ample support. But after it was over, I felt like I was kid standing alone, lost at Disney World, wondering where everyone went and what to do next.

Does that sound a bit like after you gave birth to your first baby? Perhaps you made sure you were as educated as possible. Maybe you went through childbirth classes and breastfeeding classes, read a ton of books, and watched hours of videos.

But as we moms know, nothing can prepare you for the actual real thing.

After all the well-wishers leave, it can be lonely standing there with your newborn, exhausted, sore, and possibly shell-shocked. This is the point when for many women isolation sets in, which is a large factor in post-partum depression.

It wasn’t meant to be this way. You’re meant to have a group of women supporting you physically and emotionally. There’s a good reason for the expression “it takes a village”.

I had signed up for B-school through Jenny Shih’s affiliate link, because I had coached with her in the past and she was offering several awesome bonuses.

As promised, Jenny’s bonuses turned out to be invaluable, because they helped me create that village for myself while I was first entering the business world.

Community

Jenny had several beneficial bonuses, but two that I loved the most were the exclusive private Facebook community and the group coaching calls.

Jenny’s Facebook community was particularly useful because while the B-school Facebook group is active and diverse, it’s huge. It was so helpful to have a smaller group of women I knew I would align with in terms of following Jenny’s building blocks for creating a business. I could escape the “noise” of the larger B-school group and find refuge in Jenny’s.

There’s plenty of noise in parenting as well. Everyone and their dog will voice an opinion about how you should be doing it. It’s critical to have a smaller group of women you can relate to and share your parenting challenges with. It’s critical to find your community.

This is why I hold a monthly event called SPA77.  It’s a Simple, Peaceful, Authentic night out for moms where they can truly be themselves, enjoy meaningful conversation, support each other, develop real friendships, and have fun – everything you want in a community.

Connection

Jenny’s group coaching calls were helpful not only to get answers to my questions, but to hear others’ questions and answers as well, because they almost always applied to me.

This reinforced the fact that, despite how frequently I felt it, I wasn’t alone. We aren’t the only ones having these business challenges and we aren’t the only ones facing these parenting challenges.

It’s so important to feel that connection with the larger collective of motherhood and not to allow yourself to feel like it’s only you who is struggling and become isolated as a result.

Having a place to go to get your questions answered on a regular basis helps you stay connected. I hold monthly calls that act as an open forum for moms to share their issues and get support.

**************

Thanks to Jenny I’m still enjoying the benefits of B-school. Jenny runs a private Facebook group and, even though we’ve completed all group coaching calls, occasionally she throws one in for good measure just because she’s cool like that.

My experience with B-school and Jenny’s bonuses taught me more than just business concepts. It reminded me how important it is to my parenting to form a community and maintain connection with other moms I can relate to.

If you’re thinking of signing up for B-school through Jenny’s affiliate program, I highly recommend it!

↑ Top of Page