Creative Grief Experience: Wholehearted Rocks
This creative grief experience from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio can help you get clearer about what wholehearted living after loss means for you – who you want to be, how you want to feel, and what you want to create after loss.
I experienced “Wholehearted Rocks” during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio and wrote about it to serve as an example of the power of creativity in learning to live wholeheartedly again after loss. Reading the instructions first will help you understand my description.
Most traditional grief counseling takes the approach of “we need to figure out how to get rid of the water/ pour it out of the glass” so that the grief is vented/ released and then you’ll feel better.
What if, rather than focusing on trying to get rid of the grief, you gradually begin focusing more on what you want to add to your life, now that you’ve experienced this loss?
Picture that you can do this by adding objects, for example rocks, to the jar of water.
Each rock represents an aspect of what it means to you to live wholeheartedly after loss. Each rock represents a feeling or experience that you want to welcome more into your life.
The water represents the grief.
When you start adding rocks to the glass of water, the water begins to be displaced.
You’re not trying to completely remove the water (grief), but at some point it begins to get displaced by the rocks (wholehearted feelings, experiences and practices). We have no expectation or pursuit of a “water-free” (completely grief-free) situation in our future – the water will always still flow a little between the rocks and that’s fine, because it’s our story.
But gradually the water (grief) becomes less the foreground and focus of your life and more a part of the “connective tissue” that flows between other things that become important to you and which you’re nurturing.
1. To experience this creative tool, choose a container and fill it with water.
2. You may use any small objects that interest you and represent what you want to bring more of into your life. You may alter or decorate the objects in any way you like. For example, if you decide to use rocks as in the description above, you could choose to paint each rock.
3. At a pace that feels right to you, place your painted rocks or other objects in the jar of water. Take time to reflect as you add each object that symbolizes something you want more of in your life. Notice how, with the addition of each rock, some of the water (grief) gets displaced.
4. As time goes on, occasionally review your rocks… are you making choices that honor those rocks? For example, if you said you wanted more connection in your life, are you calling up a friend or accepting social invitations?
You can do this exercise gently, at your own pace, as a regular practice, (for example, let yourself focus on just one rock each week or even just one rock each month), or all at once as a single experience.
* Reprinted with permission from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio LLC. www.griefcoachingcertification.com
My Experience with Wholehearted Rocks
I did this creative exercise in September 2012 during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio.
Here is a write-up of my experience.
I chose a pink glass container because I loved its color, shape, and how it looked as the light filtered through it.
I filled the container as far as I could without overflowing.
The swollen nature of the water at the top was beautiful.
It was a perfect visual representation of the strain I felt on my emotions as if they were about to spill over.
I felt rage at the time that I did this exercise; I was really struggling. I wrote about my rage in a stream of consciousness manner, disregarding spelling, grammar, and sentence structure. I didn’t even care if it made sense.
I printed it out, tore it into pieces and put it in the water. I liked the idea that if I didn’t fight it but instead allowed it, my grief (the water) would cause the paper (my rage) to disintegrate slowly and become soft.
I chose several special objects that represented what I wanted more of in my life:
– Love: (large heart shaped rock, not perfectly heart shaped because love is not a fairy tale; it sometimes has sharp edges) I want to allow more love in my life even though loving opens me up to being hurt.
– Family: (a handful of “gems”, one for each family member). I want to bond closer with my family. I tend to shut them out and withdraw into myself, hiding my grief.
– Trust: (a heavy, smooth, black rock) I want to trust that I do not need to force anything, that my strong emotions will not take me over, that all will unfold as it should without me trying to control it.
– Authenticity: (my “J” shaped rock) I always want to show up as myself. I want to stop hiding who I really am. I want to come out of shame.
– Confidence, Courage, and Vulnerability: I chose 3 pottery flowers I had made after breaking up with my boyfriend of 10 years. At that time, I was exploring my creativity for the first time in a long while because it had gone dormant. I had to find my confidence and have the courage to experiment. As I was learning more about myself, I had to be vulnerable enough to show my new self to those who were used to me as a certain person and wanted me to remain that person. Now, at the time of this exercise, I find myself once again needing the confidence, courage, and vulnerability to put myself out there and extend my own authentic offering without fear or care about what happens.
– Self-compassion: (beautiful flowers) I want to love myself and treat myself kindly, despite how incredibly hard that can be sometimes.
– Patience: (a perfectly round, smooth rock) I want the patience to take the time I need to heal my emotional wounds, to allow things to unfold at the rate they will. I want the patience to know that even when it seems nothing is happening, that’s ok because sometimes nothing is what needs to happen. Everything is movement if we allow it. It’s when we force it forward or fight against it that we disrupt the natural unfolding.
– Intuition (translucent marble): I want to trust myself and my decisions and avoid overthinking things. I want to spend more time in my body and in a wordlessness state, relying on my innate knowing and trusting it.
– Joy: (a rock with “Love” written on it given to me by my daughter Maia) I want to experience joy and model joy for my daughters, but joy makes me uncomfortable. I mourn over times that I had an opportunity to share joy with my daughters and it turned into something sad. I want the courage to allow more joy in my life.
– Release (feather): I want to give myself what I know I need for release, which includes running, writing, creative expression, a beautiful home environment, nature, stretching, warmth, connection, intimacy, and time alone.
– Generosity: I chose a glass seahorse that I bought for my daughter. I am often somewhat stingy when it comes to buying things for my daughters because I have this thought that I don’t want them to expect things or take things for granted or not be appreciative of what they have. This parallels with an attitude that I used to have about parenting. I viewed (unconsciously) my role as their parent to tell them how to be “good”, how to do the “right” thing. I was focused on the negatives instead of the positives.
Now I want to do it differently:
o Instead of telling them not to be selfish, model generosity
o Instead of telling them not to be irresponsible, model taking care
o Instead of telling them not to fight with each other, model patience & cooperation
o Instead of telling them not to be unappreciative, model gratitude
o Instead of telling them not to freak out, allow them their emotions and allow myself mine while giving them reassurance that they are not the cause
– Gratitude: I learned that we cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously, so I turn often to gratitude to quiet my anxiety.
– Acceptance & Mindfulness: I am a perfectionist and can be obsessive and too focused on the details, steps and order of things instead of the actual meaning. I tend to miss the forest for the trees. I actively work on being present in the experience and knowing that not only is it ok that it is not happening exactly as I envisioned, but that it will happen exactly as it should and if I stay aware and present, I will always receive exactly what I am intended to receive and it will always be beautiful.
At the time I experienced this exercise, I was able to clarify what I wanted and needed more of in order to move towards wholehearted living. I have since added many of these qualities to my life, causing my grief to become less the focus and more of a connecting part of my story.
You can use this exercise anytime you wish to take a look at your life and discover what you can add for more wholehearted living. You don’t necessarily need to be grieving a specific loss.
This is just one of many creative grief exercises I learned in my training and certification with The Creative Grief Studio. I’d love to share others with you. Sign up for a free, 30-minute consultation if you’re interested.